Dear God,

I look at this and feel nothing.

8am

I'm awake, alive and very happy. I only have positive thoughts in my mind and I always get what I want. :)

Today is a new day so bring it on!

FUCK

seriously how may time to I ask for one this and get another!

the count down

begins!

I'm moving to Arizona in 11 days!
I'm very very excited.
I have to get a job.
Zack in coming on the 25?!
Were going to the Grand Canyon! (check of the list)
Maybe even California (if so also check of the list)

I made a list for the new year and I only have a few things left to fulfill!

April

Well on the 10th I experienced for the first time a new life come into this world.

Lilly came, Lilly is Kalanis new baby sister and that makes her mine also just by association. I got to hold her just two days after she was born. It was a feeling I cannot describe. She is a new life and I'll get to see her grow up from that one special day that I got to hold her at a precious ...two days old.

p.s
Dear, Lily
Kalani and I have talked it over and well your name is pretty and all but were going to call you Kainoa when you get older you will understand.

So Kainoa I love you and can't wait to see you again!

So with this wonderful life that just came into this world, not to bring it down because I could not be more filled with joy over her

I could not help this new life making me think of death and how when you get one you loose one...

I just prepare thats all.

you confuse me

and it makes me feel angry, and I think horrible thoughts.

Your not horrible, but annoying.

Beautiful, yet stupid.

I love you and I hate you.

You seem to have no reality and that makes me jealous because I was brought up with "reality" shoved deep down in me... so deep I don't think I can ever get it all out.

day in and out ..and to this day. Reality in my face!

You play and play and play.

A part of me wishes it will hit you really hard in the face and even maybe scar you one day and you will see and feel this reality I live with.

You and your playing annoys me to my bones

Your beauty has my love

and right now I wanna smack you in the face.

change

..is always a friend of mine

and a big change is going to happen very very very very soon. I'm excited!

I ask for change, I asked for this.

I prep myself for the day when change is not a choice.

I welcome change.